I often wondered why Daddies aren't as maternal or playful with the children as Mummies are. (In my experience, some Dads are fantastic). I thought it was a genetic thing and that it was 'built in'. I still believe this is the case...to an extent.
This week has been week one where we have been a one part time income family. The stresses and worries are getting to me to the point that regardless of how my little one sleeps, I am wide awake contemplating how to make enough money. Then the 5.50am alarm clock and my trip to work. By the time I come home I'm exhausted. Most of the partners I have been with have done similar hours when working and part of me thinks that perhaps, just perhaps they're exhausted too. Coming home and dealing with an upset, tired baby probably just feels like too much. I know there have been nights this week where I just thought please stop crying, I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do. I felt helpless and not because I couldn't settle her, but because how she wanted settling meant that I was restricted and unable to try to wind down. Of course I did it, parenting is about sacrifices and I am more than happy to do that for my daughter. She deserves me to be the mummy I want to be. It just got me wondering though about the dads. They must have the same feeling of hopelessness, exhaustion and the responsibility for their family on most of their shoulders and maybe, just maybe they feel a little like I did this week.
Well, after applying for almost 50 jobs this week, it is now a waiting game. He's had three interviews and hasn't heard back from any of them in either a positive or negative way. It's the waiting that is frustrating. I feel like he is just sat at home when he could be out there doing something, but what more is there to do then send your CV to all the jobs and sign up to every agency in the area. The general response 'It's quiet in January'. He isn't bothered what he does, just something that will bring some income in.
My work this week has interfered with Mummy and Baby time and for that I feel guilty. I've had to sacrifice some of the night time cuddles and feeds in order to complete marking, or plan for some lessons. That's time that I know will never be made up, it's lost. I just have to accept that this is how my life is at the minute and the time I do have is precious, which leads me on to the next big decision I have.
Do I give up my Friday off in favour of earning a full wage and making sure my house is safe?
That is the question I am left to deal with this week. Another week of sleepless guilt ridden nights will now ensue.